1 down 3 to go!!!!!!!!!!!

today started as a normal day....until I got a phone call from a friend telling me that my best friend was in respritory failure.  I called her mom and verified that indeed she was, and they were putting her on lung bypass as we spoke. Well that's when my day got complicated. You see my best friend just happens to be the mother of my step children...My husbands X wife. I had to look her 15 year old daughter in the eye and tell her that her mother was now in intencive care, and things were touch and go....we got ourselves together and headed for the hospital, to the micu unit waiting room, and waited not so patiently for some one to come out and tell us something. ANYTHING!!! Then I got a text message!!!! My 14 year old daughter Bretta was sending me a message. Now that might not sound real exciting to you, so let me tell you the rest of the story..If you have read any of my bloggs you've seen that long ago I made alot of bad choices in my life..the biggest one of those was getting involved in drugs, and walking off and abandoning my 4 children. now let me say that I have been clean for almost 6 years....but was so afraid to face my mistakes that I let myself believe that  my babies were better off without me...today i learned that i was wrong, in every aspect! my baby found me on face book! I now had a chance of a lifetime!!! MY baby still loves me and needs me in her life...we have talked all day...and texted when we wern't talking...for a day that started out tragic...it sure ended slindedly...My friend is now in stable condition and is responding well to treatment...and my daughter is back in my life....now if I could only find the other 3, I'd finally be complete...but for now, I am over joyed beond belief....I love you Bretta paige...this was the best christmas gift I could have ever recieved....

christmas doesn't feel like christmas anymore

Christmas used to be the most important Holiday for me...all the lights, people running around, trying to find the best gift at the best price, putting up the tree, wrapping the gifts, and watching my girls faces as they opened their presents...that was the most wonderous time of my life....NOT ANY MORE!!! I just dont seem to care about any of it....didn't put up my tree, didnt get up at 3 am to go shopping the day after Thanksgiving, no lights this year...just dont feel like Christmas....I dont have my girls here in Alabama with me, and I think I may be going through some kind of depression....hell I dont even want to get out of bed, let alone get out and do anything...Im moving into my new house on the first of January, so that may have alot to do with me just not wanting to get involved in any kind od decorating...I dont know....I just dont know.....All I know is that I wish so much That i could be with my girls....that would be the best Christmas that I could ask for....I could never ask for nothing more...I love you, ALLEXXIS....BRETTA...RAYNA...MIKAYLA...I wish all 4 of you the best christmas ever...know that you will always be in my thoughts and prayers...

holding on to people that only live in your heart and memories

I have fallin into a rut recently...I started talking to old friends from my long ago past...one in perticular...Eric...My very first grown up broken heart was at the hands of this man....but that was long ago...I believe I was 17 or 18 at the time...He was kinda famous...and of course married...but at that time I had no Idea how wrong it was for me to be inlove with this man....we wont go into such details as to mention last names, there could be too many reprocussions for me to do that. The Problem I'm having now is...well I never really got over this man....and it has been20 years! The other big problem is that I have been engadged to another man for the last six years...Dont get me wrong,,I love my fionce...he's a good guy...and tries real hard to make me happy, but I find forbidden pleasure in a simple note from this man...and my fionce deserves much more than what I have been giving him lately...and he damn sure dont deserve to have me going behind his back and emailing an old flame....He knows That I talk to old friends on fb...some of those people are people that link me straight to Eric....and my fionce knows that...I've never kept how I felt Eric a secrete...only the part about how confused I am now...what in the world am I gona do? what would any of you do????

I hate it when people pretend to be your friend only because they want something from you...It makes me sick to tears to think of all the people in my life who I have been there for when they needed things such as a ride,a place to stay, food, clothes, or just some one to talk to. I went thru my contacts on my phone a couple of weeks ago because I had just had a hysterectomy, was at home alone, and couldn't drive myself to the store...out of 137 contacts how many do you think come to help me? 1! That was it...it took me 3 days to get to the grocery store....That i think that is pothetic! If you are going to be someones friend, then shouldn't you try and be there for them when they desparitly need you? I try and do what ever I can to help people...even people I dont know....Dont get me wrong, there were times, back in my younger days when I wasn't such a good friend...but I'm nothing like that now, and you would think out of 137 contacts, at least half of those would be a true friend....no! What has happond to people, these days no one seems to care about one another....I dont profess to be perfect..God knows I will never be. But I try and treat people the way I want to be treated....I am just fed up with all the fake ass people out there"and you know who you are" who are always needing a favor...I'm all used up...stick a fork in me cause I'm done!!!!

I set here crying over things I can not control...call me a cry baby....But I'll have you know that yes even prideful adults cry too...just some dont admit to it..lol. You will prpobably get tired of hearing me ramble on about how I miss my girls, but if that is the case, well then I suggest you go to someone elses blog...you may do so now if you wish..........ok then, your still here so let talk...i have 4 of the most beautiful girls in the world, I lost them because I was on drugs and was unable to provide the love and care they needed...you would expect more from a mother...I expected more from myself. It just didn't work out that way...I moved to Alabama from Louisville ky. on april 15, 2005...and the last time I used drugs was April 14, 2005.....I have made a complete change...I am a different person now...but still am not allowed a simple phone call from or to my children...am I the only mother in the world that has made mistakes?? Please somebody let me know...I'm at my witts end, and I seriously dont know what to do...I have Lupus, and ptsd...I am permanitly disabled...and have nothing but time to set and ponder on all this...would love to get some responces...

missing my babies

I've been in a relationship with the same man for the last 6 years. I moved all the way from Louisville Ky. Just to be with him.I guess it's safe to say that I love him deeply. But what he fails to realize is all that I gave up to come here and be with him...I walked away from family,friends,and most of all,the slim chance to have a relationship with my daughters, Allexxis,Bretta,Rayna, and last but not least my katie bug...I Know that leaving my girls was wrong...I had alot of issues in my life that were no good for growing girls to have to grow up and wittness..and I truely believed that I was doing the right thing...but I guess I screwed up there too...I have been clean and sober for 6 years now...that's a serious accomplishment for me,if any of you knew me...then you'd know what I'm talking about! I have this whole in my heart, that no one can fill...so I'm left unemotional, empty, uncaring and sometimes even cold....I guess you can say I am bitter...I read my daughter's blog about her Dad not taking care of his self and how concerned she is about him...and YES! I AM BITTER!!!!! I can remember when she would cry because she had to go with him...now It's like she's forgotten about me....I know I am partly to blame...But They r still my childen, dont I have a right to atleast get to talk to them on the phone?? My oldest daughter Allexxis, she will graduate rhis year from Presentation Acadamy...I will not be invited...I know that..but my heart and soul will be there with her as she crosses that stage....That I would never miss....